It Just Hit Me!!!

I dont' know why but things seem to always hit me after they happen. Like when my dad was cheating on my mom for that whole year I never shed one tear or gave second thought to what he was doing, sure I was angry at times because of what it was doing to my mom and family but other than that I didn't seem to be affected. It wasn't until after that year I had a dream and woke up in tears realizing that I was holding pain inside from what he did...

Well I guess you could kind of say the same thing about me recently stepping down from ministry at our church. See what you don't know is God delivered me from this destructive world when I was a Junior in High School and since then i've been attending the same church, eight years now. I remember the powerful prayer meetings, numerous bible studies, and the feeling of God's awesome touch during praise and worship. I also remember sitting on the front pew with no vocal skills whatsoever but loving the spirit that was in the house and longing to be a part of the praise team that led it. After prophecy, fasting, and much prayer God blessed me with a gift and i've been in our praise team since.

Thats changed though, now I just sit on a pew. Why? for stupid reasons I guess. A boss once told me that i'm "easily discouraged." whatever to that.haha. But I started questioning alot of things that I've stood against because a lack of commitment from mostly everyone else. No one, not ONE person could give me answers to the questions I had of why exactly we need to do this or that to make it to heaven (and if it's so important and it'll send me to hell then why aren't you doing them) and so I sought them on my own. My conclusions through intense study and prayer have brought me to a stand that is contrary to what I have always believed and so I thought me "sitting down" from the praise team would be best since knowing I now somewhat disagree with "our beliefs."

It just hit me today that i've been "sitting down" for about a month now and my heart is crying out, I know my husband and I sat out from being youth leaders and I do not regret that but I don't know if I can say the same thing about the praise team. I know I can praise God anywhere, anytime, but I just feel like I need to be doing more...

So why am I still sitting out? Partially because I do still feel a conflict in beliefs and I want to be sure of some things before I take another step either which way...This doesn't mean I'm "backsliding," alot of people have been talking to me like I am lol. But I love God and he knows I'll give up anything for him, just want to know what is true in HIS eyes and what it is that he requires of me physically and spiritually, to be close to his heart...I just want to be saved.

wow, can't believe I'm actually writting this but oh well

much love

Justina